For Your Reading Pleasure

Posted in Uncategorized on January 17, 2015 by beccasteinhoff

Oh hello Interweb fans of Becca Steinhoff. You may have noticed how barren my comedy calendar has been for some time. I’ve been working full time at a wonderful Southern-French Fusion restaurant in Chevy Chase, DC for the last several months, and generally speaking that’s where I am in the evenings. In lieu of dates to come see me perform, I would like to post for you some entries I’ve completed from the book I’m writing. I hope you enjoy, care to respond to it with your thoughts, and I will be happy to post more.

The first thing I will post is a story from yesteryear. It’s a story about friendship, the Blue Ridge Parkway, and being scared to death.

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You Don’t Leave Your Friends On The Parkway, You Kill Them Before They Leave You

There’s an old saying about the Blue Ridge Parkway; “you never leave your friends on the parkway.” If you go hiking on a trail on the parkway, never leave someone behind, never get left behind, never separate from your group. I learned this from a friend, a lifelong Ashevillian who I spent many afternoons driving up and down the parkway with. We often spent afternoons looking for hiking spots she remembered by their mile markers. I learned this phrase from her on the day she must have chanted it 400+ times when this sacred vow was broken, and we spent the whole afternoon in hell regretting it.

it was a normal afternoon, and we were taking a nice afternoon drive on the parkway with our boyfriends. By definition, a nice afternoon at this time meant they blasted deathrock as they drove 25 miles over the speed limit on windy, federal parkway turns. Oh they were having a gay old time blowing cigarette smoke out the front window only to re-enter the car through the back window directly into our mouths while they held us hostage in that wheeled metal cage.

We plotted in the back seat to beat the shit out of them when they stopped the car, a plan they were undoubtedly unaware of. I was thoroughly surprised to learn that whether or not they heard us plotting at a perfectly reasonable volume to punch their dumb faces, these two numb nuts were smart enough to sense we were pissed off. The very moment we pulled over at the mile marker she had screamed for them to look out for at a more than reasonable volume, they bolted into the fucking woods to escape the wrath of two teenage girls.

Instead of chasing after them, a course of action surely they were expecting, we opted to break the cardinal parkway rule, and leave them where they ran, like apes back into the wild. We knew the spare key was in the car, so we promptly got back in the car, and drove just far enough around an S curve to be out of sight and earshot, where we promptly smoked some weed on federal property cus that had been a very stressful ordeal indeed. If only the stressful afternoon had ended there.

Our plan was never to actually leave these guys on the parkway, merely to have them think we did. We were only gone 10 minutes, and by the time we came back, it became clear that another couple of idiots had broken the cardinal rule for me. At least, it was clear to me they had broken the cardinal rule. My friend, thoroughly convinced of a noble truth that couldn’t have been more untrue; that everyone knows you never leave your people on the parkway. she was mistaken, something i could have told her had i thought of it. no i thought of it several times as she and I searched for our boyfriends in a wooded trail for 3 hours. of course, she thought, if we couldn’t find them, if they weren’t answering our savage calls for them, our sexy calls, our angry calls and our primal calls that naturally they were dead in a ditch somewhere.

At some point I wished they were dead in a ditch somewhere, because that is what they deserve for the truth which I was so sure was in store, they were fucking with us. BUT NO, my friend remained convinced that they were unconscious, knocked out by each other, or some rocks I could only hope, and it was up to us to save them from these evil woods. She was frantic after a time, I couldn’t leave her, she couldn’t leave them, and it was my job to convince her they had already left us. After a while we weren’t even seeing other cars on the road, just a biker clearly practicing for a tour de parkway, as he just drove up and down several stretch of miles all afternoon.

I lost track of how long we stayed on this mile marker, with their car, their spare keys and screamed into the woods of nothingness for them, but as it got dark, I was finally able to convince her if they were out here dead or dying, we weren’t going to be able to find them without light. As we drove back to town, and cell reception crept back into our arsenal of capabilities, we recieved a message from her boyfriends mother which made our stomachs turn.

“Hey Becca, I’m looking for (dickhead), he was supposed to be home for dinner a few hours ago, getting a little worried. Let me know if……”

Are you kidding me, even I was on the side of reason until I got this message, so we abandoned our new plan of gathering a ‘never-leave-your-friends-on-the-parkway Search Party’ and opted to stop by the house the 2 of them were living in. I mean what kind of people would break the cardinal rule, leave your girlfriends on the parkway to freak out for hours and let think you were dead and dying, just to hitchhike back into town, go find your mother, get her to lie for you, have her take you shopping for santa hats and beef jerky, then drop you off at your home just in time to find one girlfriend in hysterics and another who spent the whole afternoon with a hysterical girlfriend.

These guys. These kinds of special, desired men that we chose for our (teenage) lives would do that. Oh and did I mention they paid that biker 50$ to keep checking on us to make sure we were still looking for them? Yeah they did that too.  I wonder if they gave him a bonus if we were still looking AND one of us was flipping the fuck out for hours. 75$ not to help us at all.

I have to admit getting your mother to leave that message really is the qou-de-gras. They must have known I was not going to fall for the deception as it stood, or maybe they really just liked to watch the world burn. Like villians that batman fight.

A couple of times, while dating this particular boyfriend, I experienced pranks that really made me think, this guy is dead and I will get another one, that is not a problem. Theres also a couple of stories where we watched or overheard the other two have sex. At least in this instant, I felt that watching them have angry makeup sex was my payment for experiencing the rest of that day. Any other story of listening or watching them have sex isn’t worth telling, but another time I thought he was dead and I was fine with that is worth delving into later.

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Where in the World Area is Becca Steinhoff

Posted in Uncategorized on July 20, 2014 by beccasteinhoff

With all the technology in the world at my disposal, this barebones website is how I would like to let you know about upcoming shows. The list is growing all the time, but this is everything I have on my calender as of this moment. please keep in mind when looking at these dates that I am only posting pre-booked shows. There are many nights that I go to open mics that I don’t post because it’s not set in stone or for other various reasons. If there is a night you have the time, energy, and desire to come to a comedy show to see me perform, email me at resteinhoff@gmail.com and I will tell you promptly where I will be that evening.

UPCOMING SHOWS

12/16/14 Washington, DC The Howard Theatre VIA Funny N Stiletto’s – 8PM

(tickets available ticketmaster.com or thehowardtheatre.com. You can also contact me and I can get them for you)

These dates are subject to change.

Hello Friends

Posted in Uncategorized on June 1, 2014 by beccasteinhoff

I’m leaving the DC area for the time being, gonna be in the Asheville/ Greater North Carolina area for the summer, and then WHO KNOWS. Yes, life is just that exciting. Maybe I’ll be in a city near you! If you want me to come to your city, please email me  at resteinhoff@gmail.com and I can do my best to make that happen. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to check my calendar for upcoming shows, and yeah I wish I had more to show you, but life is a journey and we live it to the best of our abilities. Right now I’m a girl in her mid-twenties experiencing the “what now?” uncertainty that I should have gone through after college, but as a cocky graduate, thought I was above. 

In other news, with more time on my plate, I’m going to start writing more on this website; posts, pictures, blogs, stuff for you to enjoy. And I hope you do. 

While You’re Here

Posted in Uncategorized on May 30, 2013 by beccasteinhoff

Video Project for School, for your viewing pleasure.